God's Aloha 2005

A THOUSAND POUNDS

By Deena Bedish

I do much better when I can visualize or conceptualize things. So in trying to figure out how to conceptualize dealing with the good and the not so good that is in my life I decided that all of the stuff in my life weighs 1000 pounds. Sometimes life is 100% of great stuff, 50/50, 75/25, or unfortunately it can be 100%, that’s right 1000 pounds of not so good. The bottom line is, it is always 1000 pounds and if I manage the weight when it is all good, then I can manage it when it is not good. Now you might think that’s a lot of weight, and your right, but I want to have a ½ ton of good stuff in my life.

My life changed in June of 1999 when I was diagnosed with mesothelioma, a form of cancer caused by exposure to asbestos. Let me just suffice it to say that this was not good. I had one surgery to repair the damage the cancer had done, followed by chemo and then more surgery the following Feb. to remove my right lung. I followed that up with radiation and for two years I lived in peace until on a routine follow-up in July of 2002 a spot was discovered on my left lung. I came home after that surgery dependent on oxygen, but quickly worked my way off of it until I only needed it at night and on exertion. I signed up for more chemo and shortly after starting it November 20 th happened. The weights shift from good to bad to somewhere in between.

Now, before we get to what happened on that date, I must also tell you that my husband John and I moved in the spring of 2000 from Anne Arundel Co to Howard and took on a bigger mortgage then we had before. At the same time my husband retired from Bell Atlantic and took a job with a competitor. He worked there until in March of 2002 when they had a reduction in force and my husband was let go. In 33 years he knew only one thing, working for a phone company and he had never been fired in his life. Now he was faced with unemployment, something that had never happened to him. It was terrible. He felt like a failure and had no luck finding employment for five months. When he finally did find employment it was at about ½ his previous salary and he disliked almost everything about the job. My husband felt like his life was a 1000 pounds of bad.

I tell you about these things because they all feed into the events of November 20 th. On November 20 , 2002 , (2 days before we were going away to celebrate out 10 th wedding anniversary) my husband committed suicide. It took me a long time to say those words, and even today I find it awkward, and yes very painful. Talk about the ultimate rejection. That night and in the weeks to come I felt my life was 1000 pounds of bad.

As I told you, I had just recovered from surgery and had started chemo when my husband chose to end his life. I had an appointment for my next round of chemo at two days after his suicide. I had friends take me to that appointment. You see, as much as my husband wanted to leave, I wanted to stay. God had been so good to me, how could I turn my back on that. I loved my husband, but I did not want to join him so I resolved to fight even harder. Little did I know that my friends had called ahead to tell my doctor what had happened. For my own good the doctor told me that it was too much for my body to take right then. You see how God protected me and allowed me to strengthen and heal?

It was during this time…overwhelming grief and my battle with cancer, that I felt that the 1000 pounds was getting very heavy and it was hard to keep my legs underneath me. Suicide has its own unique baggage. In addition to the normal grief feelings and process, you have the fact that someone dear to you picked a time, place and method to end their life. He did not share with me what was wrong, he did not love me enough to stay with me, he chose to leave me, I was not able to fix him, why didn’t I see it coming, what could I have done to prevent it…the list of reasons for the pain and questions about why are endless. To this day I can not fix any of what happened and I don’t have the answers, but God has let me know that it is okay to let go of all of this. I can not alter what happened…my husband is gone. What can change is what I do with all the “stuff”. In Phillipians 4:6 Paul wrote: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” As we heard the Psalmist say: “But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help”. I was wasting precious energy worrying about finding answers to questions that do not have answers. God provided direction that in Him I would find joy and contentment.

I realize that I have been forgetful in telling you the most important thing about my life. I AM TRULY A BLESSED CHILD OF GOD! You see through all of this my husband did not have something that I have…faith, a belief in the greatness of God. The comfort that I get from prayer and conversations with God did not exist for my husband. God has given me a great support system of friends and family that can see me through any situation. My husband could not find peace and comfort, he could not ask for someone to help carry the weight. God takes the weight and carries it for me when I get tired; sometimes he just holds it until I can shift the weight around a bit. But he is always there to help; all I need do is ask.

I am going to recount for you some of my blessings…in the sense of God’s guidance and strength; it is truly a wonderful stream of events. Without the cancer who knows when I would have re-established my relationship with God. Problems from the second surgery forced us to move and God led us to a wonderful neighborhood in Howard County , and then friends helped me discover a great church near my house. It is at that church that I was paired with a Stephen Minister…another moment of God’s guiding people together. The people from that church proved to be instrumental during my illness and the death of my husband as did my dear friends who coincidentally (I think not) live across the street. In them I now have someone who takes better care of my house then my husband ever did and who fixes things I don’t even know are broken…what a blessing. Again, God provides people to help me adjust the weight and help carry some or all of it when I need relief.

When Pastor Grant asked me about a special scripture it was so hard to decide on one. God’s word is full of examples of how we should rely on him when we need help. I do not know how I would have made it through all of this without God to comfort me. Sometimes when people ask me what they can do to help, I am at a loss. Not because I don’t want them to help, but the Lord so adequately provides for me I often don’t have a specific need. The Lord has put many people in my life that have helped me through the pain. I have so many friends who each have their own unique role in my life…each one God has placed. I am also a firm believer in “counseling” and that does not need to be a professional. I attended a hospice program specific for suicide, I meet with a professional counselor and I already mentioned my Stephen Minister. To this day I meet with my Stephen Minister weekly…sometimes just to talk about general things, but often to try to keep everything in perspective (balance the weight). I tease her that when she signed on with me, she didn’t know how much fun I could be…as a friend of mine says, I am a five-ticket ride. I also attended the previous grief program at this church. I feel that again, God has given me the opportunity to heal through these people and programs. I have gathered so much from all of these things…suggestions from others on how they have handled grief, reassurance that I’m not crazy that others are experiencing the same things that I am.

God gave me the strength and courage to move forward. It will be 3 years in November. I still miss my husband, but my heart does not ache like it did. I do not cry everyday and everything I do or need to do is not connected to wishes of “if he were only here”. My healing is the result of a Savior who has helped me to move on past the overwhelming grief, who guides me to the right people and places. He has helped me stop worrying and longing for my husband.

This same God has also helped me deal with this awful disease. In August of last year, it reared its ugly head again. As before they gave me another nasty prognosis, but God is good and he likes to show the medical profession who is really in charge. I pray to God for the strength to get through the day, to help my body heal, and to please allow me to make the right decisions when it comes to my medical care. He has continued to bless me with healing and strength.

Has God answered my prayers, when I am crying out to him for help and feel like the world is swallowing me whole? Yes, he has! As the Psalmist says, “The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior”. It is only through relying on Him to lift me up physically, emotionally, and spiritually that I am able to keep my head up, joy in my heart and a smile on my face.

As you see, the 1000 pounds continually shift from good to bad to somewhere in between. When the weight is too heavy, I just need to ask the Lord to help carry it…sometimes he will send someone along in the form of a friend or family member, sometimes he will carry it Himself. Rest assured though, the Lord is the source of my strength and courage and He makes sure that the weight in my life stays balanced.